I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
