Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
