quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
