I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
