Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize