You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
