I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
