i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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