Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
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