You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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