After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
