Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
