Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
