i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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