mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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