Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
