I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
