The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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