You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
