There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
