I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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