paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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