Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
