you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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