it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
