it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
