No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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