I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
