I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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