She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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