did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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