i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
