I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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