it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
