she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
