C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Randomize