i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
