i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
