alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
