I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
