I smell stomach acid.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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