Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My balls are so social today.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
