You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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