I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
