Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
