My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
