Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
