I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
