Screwed.edu
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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