do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I need a beard to bite.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
