Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
