I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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