You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
And then my night got REAL pukey
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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