I just made out with a guy for $7.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
