haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
So drunk its hurt
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
