Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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