Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
So many bounce houses so little time
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
