During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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