at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Found your dick twin last night
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
