Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
