well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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