I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
