please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Randomize
