I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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